I sit here and try and think of a title for this blog post. I try and think of a subject and purpose for this post, prescription and I have nothing. I feel it is just going to be a bit of word vomit. Vomit being the main thought right now, I feel sick. I sit and scroll through job websites, looking and searching, and all the words just move down the screen like people walking past you on a busy street – quick, rushed and with no acknowledgment of anyone else around them. Selfish. Why can’t something jump out of the screen at me and say, this is the one for you, you have all the skills for it, you can do it. Why not? Because it’s a bloody screen Holly.
I have wandered for a good year or so now, and all be it fun to do different things and have many strings to your bow as I have been told many a times, it can also be pretty crap. Not having one set place to go each day is hard. Really hard. Don’t get me wrong, I get up, I desperately try to stay motivated, put my all into whatever I am working on at the time, but doing it all by yourself with no re-assurance or guarantee that It will be ok is hard. Then there’s the guilt. That dreaded awful feeling in the pit of your stomach that you just aren’t doing enough. That haunts me most days. But, you carry on, because you have to, because you can. Thats the thing, I can, and I will. I am so very lucky and blessed. I have a beautiful family and a beautiful roof over my head. Really thats all that matters isn’t it? But there is nothing wrong in wanting a sense of purpose in your life, a sense that you are needed, a sense that you can help. It is good and positive to want a purpose, it shows you are driven and want to achieve and be the best you can be, right?
I want to feel proud, I want to feel like I have achieved something, and feel happy to talk about who I am and ‘what I do’. Don’t you find the question ‘So what do you do?’ the most, completely and utterly irritatingly, boring oh and dull question to be asked? Or do I think that just because I am afraid to answer it. It’s funny how all your anxiety can spill from 4 simple words. I actually have a little mental freak out before most social events, when you know that question will be asked. Do we not have anything better to talk about? Is that what life has become? All about careers and business, hitting targets and winning the latest deals. It’s an ice breaker though so it’s ok… I often make up stories in my head of what I can say, because i’m afraid what I do isn’t good enough, it doesn’t live up to the person next to me who has just been promoted. When I say it out loud, it sounds ridiculous. Because, I am good enough. You are all good enough. Health and happiness – thats what matters.
I’m a creative person, and I reckon us creative minded people just have so much flying around our heads its hard to pin them all down, Or so thats what I tell myself.
Things will be fine, good things are going to happen this year, I can feel it in my bones (she says with that wonky emoji face in mind) No, but seriously. This post seems a bit sinister, but it’s real and it’s truthful, and I think sometimes we tiptoe so much around that, that life can become something that isn’t as truthful anymore. And life is beautiful, and should remain beautiful and real for the rest of our lives. Hopefully one person can relate to my madness.